Lisa DePaulo was a feature writer for John F. Kennedy Jr.’s magazine George and has shared her opinion of the FX series Love Story for THR. She will be recapping episodes through the end of the season, beginning with episode five, titled “Battery Park,” below.
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So this one’s called “Battery Park,” due to the alleged site of the infamous knock-down ring-pulling fight between John and Carolyn that in real life was most unfortunately captured by a paparazzo in the bushes. So now there is much online consternation over whether it actually did happen in Battery Park or Washington Square Park. Oh, who bloody cares? It happened. (And I can see why Battery Park sounded better to Ryan Murphy. Battery, get it? You’re so subtle, Ryan.)
And did he really pull her ring off? (Yes.) And — this one’s nuts — did the ring really break in half? Break in half? It was Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis’s diamond and sapphire ring (that in a previous episode, John sneakily steals from the stash that his sister is selling at Sotheby’s). It most assuredly did not break in half. And none of this is true anyway. John did not propose to Carolyn with Jackie’s ring. And does anyone really think John Kennedystole one of his mother’s rings? Are you kidding me? He proposed with a gorgeous and simple band of diamonds and sapphires that he designed himself and was influenced by one of Jackie’s rings, her “swimming ring.” Wait, you don’t have a swimming ring?
And now do you see the kind of bullshitJohn and Carolyn dealt with on a daily basis? The constant dissection of their every move, every detail? I often thank the lord or the lucky stars or whoever it is you thank that John and Carolyn missed (by about a year) social media. Can you imagine?
It was already bad enough. The first day I met John, he had a stack of tabloids on his desk. The National Enquirer was on top. Yes, he read them.And at one point he said, “You know, I’m not really here,” picking up the Enquirer and laughing. “I’m on an island with Daryl Hannah.” That was John.
Mercifully, John never brought the real drama into the office. And “Battery Park,” particularly the Battery Park part, made me extremely grateful for that.I know some of my colleagues saw mood changes — and I suppose you could track those to whatwas on the front page of the New York Post that day — but even that’s a stretch. He was always the consummate professional in the office, while still being John — funny, witty, laidback John. And speaking of the front page of the New York Post, why on earth didn’t they use the real headlines? They were so much better than the dreck they’re coming up with. Most ridiculously, episode four’s “Bum-shell!” With a photo of Carolyn’s ass on a boat.
But my biggest beef with this episode, besides the abysmal dialogue (“I want this weekend to be perfect”… what happened to the witty reparteethat made the previous episodes tolerable?) is the whimpering, almost-effeminate mess they’ve turned John into. The episode really should have been called “Pussy.” Which, actually, Sarah Pigeon’s Carolyn calls him at one point. Only it’s “fucking pussy.” And that is how John is portrayed throughout. That pisses me off. I can assure you, John was not a pussy. But here they have him, like a big baby, unable to commit to the long grueling hours it takes to put a magazine out (pure fiction). There he is, lip quivering, whining to his sister that he proposed to Carolyn and “she says she has to think about it.”To whichGrace Gummer’s Caroline Kennedy says, “I think I might be starting to like her.” OK, that was a good line. Because for the most part, Caroline comes off as a rigid uptight shrew. (She most certainly is not.) And there he is, like a priss, instructing his beloved, “Don’t call her Ethel. Call her Mrs. Kennedy.” And then, like a smacked-ass, obeying Ethel’s orders to say Grace, with the obedience of an altar boy if an altar boy was a puppy.
And oh, Ethel!!! It’s probably good that she didn’t liveto see this. I prefer the other Ethel, the hot mess who raised a bunch of hoodlums at Hickory Hill, with a zoo of animals in the yard, not to mention the pets. This version sucks. From the moment she enters the dining room for dinner (what’s with Kennedy women doing weird things in dining rooms, Ryan?) and all the guests, which is to say her own kids and nieces and nephews, stand at attention. Apologizing in advance for “the bourbon brioche bread pudding dessert” that the chef “butchered spectacularly.” Then, making everyone at the table express their opinions about Cuba and Vietnam. (OK, I read that that used to happen.) And poor Carolyn — having her pashminaridiculed at the dinner table (with her pussy boyfriend motioning for her to take it off), being forced to sleep in a separate bed from John (which PB explains away), and in the morning, being declined a cup of coffee, a cup of coffee, because she failed to “sign up” for breakfast. Because…yes, Pussy Boyfriend forgot to tell her.
And by the way, what’s with casting Bobby, Jr. as normal? Has Ryan Murphy become a secret Trumper or something?
Once again, Paul Anthony Kelly plays John with a lisp. And once again, John Kennedy did not have a lisp. A barely detectable sibilance maybe, but not a lisp. Though in this episode, it fits.
Fortunately, and to Murphy’s credit, there are enough moments when Pussy evolves into Pussy-whipped, which is infinitely more tolerable. And possibly even accurate. Untilhe assures Pigeon’s Carolyn that, don’t worry, honey, he won’t want to run for president someday. Ha! As if.